Episode 2 – Apartment Tour or: how to hide your condoms in a modest apartment

As you’ll see in this video, I live quite richly, and Nikolai is in for a real treat rooming with me. People always ask me: “David ‘Dave,’ how do you afford such a penthouse apartment with all the accoutrements of an aristocrat?” Swag bags.

As I’ve told Nikolai numerous times, the key is not to get invited to the hottest parties, but to the right parties. I don’t need Sean John cologne (I naturally smell good), but I do need Ziploc sandwich baggies and Saran Wrap, so I make damn sure I’m VIP at the Dow Chemical holiday party each year. If you didn’t know, Dow not only makes the best containers for leftovers, but also some pretty handy other products, such as insulation, breast implants, and napalm.

And unlike most folks, I re-accessorize my apartment yearly because I’m always crashing the Pier One Imports board meetings. That’s right, many corporate board meetings have swag! I yammer on about wicker chairs and how bamboo is the wonder wood, and they’re so impressed (or incensed) by my outpouring that a premium swag bag is in my hand before I know it. I’ve got a set of coconut-shaped salad bowls and flamingo butter knives that are gonna wow my next dinner party guests.

Finally, holiday shopping can be so overwhelming. So I don’t leave the house. I just look at all the items I’ve collected in my swag bags over the years and create little gift baskets of treasures for the family. Aunt Sue is still sending me thank yous for her assortment of Frito Lay chips, travel-size bug spray, and the Iowan Firefighters Calendar, “Hold My Hose ‘09.” It feels good to give.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 17th, 2009 at 6:23 pm and is filed under Episode 2. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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